Hawking’s scientific work is not the only contribution he left. His whole biography is like a big vector pointing the direction for those facing the toughness of life.
I fell over and had great difficulty in getting up again. My mother realised something was wrong and took me to the doctor. I spent two weeks in Barts Hospital and had many guests. They never actually told me what was wrong, but I guessed enough to know it was pretty bad. In fact, the doctor who diagnosed me washed his hands off me and I never saw him again. He felt that there was nothing that could be done.
At first, I became depressed. I seemed to be getting worse pretty rapidly. There didn’t seem any point working on my PhD and, because I didn’t know if I would live long enough to finish it. I had come to Cambridge to do Cosmology, and Cosmology I was determined to do. Then the condition developed more slowly, I began to make progress in my work. After my expectations had been reduced to zero, every new day became a bonus and I began to appreciate everything I did have.
Often what makes a true sentence magnificent is who and when said it.
From time to time, we are reminded about the nature of life, that it has a beginning and an end. We don’t normally choose its length, but we tend to want a long rather short life, even though our decisions, life-styles and words don’t always support that desire. We don’t ask ourselves “When will I die?”, because it is impossible to answer, but the truth is that the answer is obvious and always the same – “Soon.”
Living means letting things go and starting new chapters. Misery most often happens when we fail on one, or both of them. Recent study done on 132 countries seems to back it up by providing some evidence about unhappiness picking at the age of 47.2, when life usually brings challenging circumstances. It suggests that people need to learn letting things go and filling the gap with something new and unhappiness is a measurable sign of certain difficulties with that.(1)
This is probably the most, or the only controversial statement in this book, but I must say that not many things make me happier, stronger and more productive than thinking about my own future death. That is because thinking about my death is actually thinking about my life.
The perspective of the end of my life means looking at my parents, my siblings, my teachers, my friends, my wife, my kids… it is also about my mistakes, my failures, my struggles, my pains… I am given so much, that I’m driven by gratitude. The vision of my death makes me appreciate more and expect less – I prioritise better and concentrate on bold actions. If my journey makes sense, then so does my death.
I don’t know how much time I have, but I believe I can influence both, the length and quality of my life, and that is as exciting as it gets.
You may have many decades ahead of you, but we may be talking about single years, or months. You may be lucky, and get the warning from a doctor, your body, or your intelligence, and manage to put things in place, but it may be very unexpected, in a very “wrong moment.”
If you had one more book to read after this one, what would that be? Get it now. What if it was your last prayer, what would you say? Say it. What about your last summer, last kiss, or last symphonic concert?
You may be one of those truly, strategically or cynically not caring about their death, but it’s not only about your own death anyway. What if that would be your mum’s last month? How would your last tea with her look like? What if it was about your last conversation with your dying mentor? What would your “thank you” sound like? What if it was your last walk with your dog? What if you knew that it was your last gig with a friend?
Few weeks ago I lost one… suddenly and too early. Remarkable pianist, unique composer. We were both busy recently, but whenever I was at his place he’d always show me an interesting book he was just reading, his new composition, a fresh idea on drums he practiced, or recently even on saxophone, his drawings. We would try some V7-I’s, a standard in 12 keys…
When he was coming to mine, first he would go down to the floor and play with my children, then he would correct couple of strings in my dodgy piano, then we would listen to something one of us was excited about, then he would go through my new books, we would exchange opinions, sometimes very different, then we would have a dinner my wife made, he would teach me Italian, I would teach him Polish… until one of us had to dash.
It was a true and unique friendship, though we never defined it directly. When I found out he died, it became clear and obvious that I was taking it for granted. The feeling of loss and sadness was amplified by the feeling of regret. I decided that for the rest of my life whenever I’d play “Bye Bye Blackbird,” it’d be my little tribute for Paolo.
I’ve got a student being just diagnosed with cancer – a specific and aggressive tissue attempting to take over her body and to kill it. She now needs to challenge it with very disciplined actions. She started the chemotherapy immediately and the operation is already arranged too. But in the meantime she organised and played her first public concert ever. It was a success, and the audience wants her back, so another one is booked, even though she still feels that she is not ready to perform anywhere else than at home.
When I saw her last week, she started a sentence with words that I would never expect to appear together: „The good thing about having cancer is…“. I thought about it later and realised that I don’t hear people saying anything opposite too, like: “The good thing about not having cancer is…” even if there are definitely good things about that. Think about it – you still don’t have cancer. What are you going to do about it?
Within a year I lost three of my friends I regularly performed with, and that was hard.
Do we need to wait until we are about to lose something to value it, celebrate, and appreciate it? Do we need to be busy enough to ignore all the opportunities to meet our parents, to spend time on the floor with our toddlers, to send a card, to draw your dog, to pray for peace, or to give blood?
At some point my wife worked in a hospital, and was responsible for phoning people who were invited for additional tests after they did a prophylactic breast screening. That phone call did not mean that they found any condition, but reactions of their clients often were very emotional and far from polite. Their fear of dying provoked aggressive, irrelevant, or infantile behaviours, for which in a normal situation you’d solemnly apologise.
People facing the possibility of incurable diseases, or fatal accidents instantly know what is the most important thing in their life, how to value and use their time.
One minute they feel lost and disheartened, and the next one brings an enlightenment – they learn that they may live shorter than they wanted to, and suddenly they know what their passion is, they know what they want and should, and they can’t believe they’ve wasted so many opportunities to start their new life.
Whatever stops us, it does probably only because we believe it does. Rather than cursing the obstacle, striking our beliefs appears to be much more practical.
Do we need a diagnosis, or a near-death-experience to know that we, or our closest are all going to die? Why should we wait until someone will give us a professional prediction that it’s coming? We all look after ourselves and it is our job to do so, we should try to have a long life, but we can’t forget that its quality is even more up to us.
Every morning we need to make sure that we know our core values, our priorities, what we stand for, what we want. If you think you have your values and priorities in place, but you still procrastinate, feel lost, or confused, then go back and make sure they are super-clear. If they are, and you still want to do things later, then probably something happened to your dreams. Your desires may be still alive, but they are in prison. You can live like that, but without real hunger nothing is tasty enough to fight for it.
If you are already cynical about it, then you probably need help, and asking for help is okay.
(1) David G. Blanchflower: Is Happiness U-shaped Everywhere? Age and Subjective Well-being in 132 Countries, NBER Working Paper No. 26641Issued in January 2020.
